Spontaneity
Spontaneous- coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency without effort or premeditation.
I am not, by nature, a spontaneous person. I may be impulsive but not spontaneous.
You may ask what’s the difference. Impulsiveness is action based on the influence of a particular feeling, or mental state, usually caused by an external stimulus. I have to tell you, most often my impulsiveness has caused me trouble (i.e. having been married x2). This in turn is probably what has inhibited my spontaneity.
This morning I asked Tom if he had spoken to his co-worker about feeding our cats while we are away next week. He hadn’t. But his next sentence was what brought this topic into being this morning. He suggested he call Janet and ask her to come to dinner tonight, kind of a pre-payment, and we could ask her about the cats then. Immediately I had ten reasons why tonight wouldn’t work – the first one being, Janet wouldn’t come tonight because she never does anything at the last minute -only with advance planning. Then I realized, while this was true, it was also my excuse for not having guests tonight (in my book- last minute) without it making me look like I couldn’t be spontaneous. If this excuse wouldn’t have worked I had 9 more lined up. Tom, on the other hand could easily go stand at the end of the driveway and ask the next 5 cars that passed to come in and join us for breakfast (which he did with the architect we met with earlier in the week).
Why is it some of us have a problem with spontaneity? There are probably as many reasons as there are people, most of them having to do with genetics, upbringing, culture in which we were raised, negative reinforcement. I know spontaneity was never encouraged in my home as I was growing up. But the reason why we aren’t, isn’t as important as how we can become more spontaneous. As I see it there are times when our lack of spontaneity make us a real wet blanket. Tom even suggested we meet Janet out somewhere, take her to Dewey’s for pizza (he knows I like Dewey’s). When that didn’t work he suggested asking our neighbors to go out to dinner with us. He was quick enough to pick up on the fact I most likely didn’t want to have company IN tonight but what I wasn’t getting was his need to go out and be around people. Tom is definitely more social than I. There is nothing I have planned for this evening. I’m working a very short mid-day shift at an event at the bookstore so work is not an excuse. Tom would even shop for whatever we decided to have for dinner if we had guests. He would do what ever needed to be done to make the house presentable. Bottom line? I hadn’t planned for this or MENTALLY prepared for company so in my mind it just couldn’t happen. This being said, I know if I would have said yes, it would have been fun. I would have enjoyed the company of whoever we invited over. It might have been a nice change from my usual evening of dinner, dishes, reading, checking e-mail and then bed.
So what can be done to make a person more spontaneous? I think it requires conscious attention and practice. We have to learn to ask ourselves why not. We have to look at the positive aspects of whatever spontaneous act is being proposed and then propel ourselves forward into it as long as there are no MAJOR negative consequences apparent. Those would be things that are hazardous to your health, would compromise your employment, would jeopardize a serious relationship.
What will the reward be? I think we’ll have a lot more fun. I think the people around us who tend toward spontaneity will have more fun and feel more fulfilled and the upshot of that is improved relationships. Is doing the dishes right now more important than going out to catch the 7PM movie that starts in 15 minutes? Is finishing this blog right now more important than going out for a short walk with Tom before I go to work? NO ! Life is what happens when you are planning something else. Grab it, go with it and be spontaneous. The dishes can wait.
Think about it.