Warning: Bump in the Road. Are you a survivor?
Almost four years ago I lost my job of a life time. 25 years building up a business I believed in with a staff I loved. Things happen. People agree to disagree. The reasons aren’t really important. Bottom line – It was a huge bump in the road for me. A life changing event.
A close friend of mine is going through some major changes in the workplace. There is a lot of grumbling and dissatisfaction among the co-workers. Meetings are occurring. Some people may have to make some tough decisions – stay with what they know is “secure” and keep plowing ahead in the known work environment, even though its unpleasant or use this time to start over in something they would rather do. There are probably going to be some bumps in their roads soon. Most likely life changing.
Six weeks ago ,while in Michigan, we visited with a friend who shared some bad news with us. His wife, 50 years young, was diagnosed two weeks before with lung cancer. They would soon be starting chemo and radiation. Big bump in the road for this couple. Definitely life changing.
Today I got a phone call telling me the friend’s wife died this morning. Bigger and final bump for her and an enormous bump for him.
We adapt and survive.
Earlier I was reading I was reading an interesting article about just this very thing. By the time we are middle aged most of us have most likely, hit a few of those bumps, health issues, divorce, job losses or transfers to a new town. While we may joke about changing our lives due to some internal “midlife crisis” the reality is usually the change is made by an outside force. The article was about a passenger on the US Airways flight that crashed into the Hudson River 5 years ago. The man was a frequent flyer, working for a software company. He survived the crash, was able to assist others to get out then get out of the plane himself without injury. He said ” The crash changed my perspective. I started scheduling around my family instead of my job.”
For some of us The Bump can make us re-evaluate our lives, to prompt us to take some risks we wouldn’t have otherwise taken. But for most of us we don’t see this as an opportunity. Our culture has become so success oriented that we stuff dreams and desires down “where they belong”, in the area of the mind called “someday” and keep plodding along the path that we already know – unless somebody puts a bump in your road.
I have struggled for 3 1/2 years with wondering why my career was cut short – something I loved and was good at. I had a hard time moving on. I was only 5 years away from retirement when I was made to face a whole new set of circumstances. Life as I had known it ceased to exist. And for 3 1/2 years I’d not thrown myself into something I could be passionate about because I was too busy being resentful and sad.
Recently I decided to put all the negativity away and start looking at really getting serious about doing what I really wanted to do – to see the opportunity in where I am today. I had to confront the reality that I was never going to go back to that place in time. It may not make sense WHY it happened but I needed to believe that it happened for a reason and to find meaning in the next phase of my life.
Lawrence Calhoun, a professor of University of North Carolina, Charlotte, according to the article, came up with a term for those who encounter these “bumps” and not only get back up but get up “transformed”. It’s called Post Traumatic Growth, kind of the antithesis of post traumatic stress syndrome, often associated with life crisis.
So the question is why do some people crumble in the face of adversity and others get stronger than ever?
The older you are when adversity hits the better able you are to accept negative events and bounce back. We have, hopefully, learned to look at things from many different angles and realize not everything is black and white. There can be beautiful colors between the two if we allow ourselves to see them. We have experience. We need to tap into it to see the bigger picture.
That doesn’t necessarily mean everything is positive and happy but it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate what is important to you and figure out what direction and purpose you want your life to have.
Think of all the possibilities we could see for our lives when we were young. Some time after we reached adulthood we started to place limits and “coulda” “shoulda”s on our lives. We stopped exploring the possibilities and blindly followed the path we thought would lead to our ultimate success. We exchange our “possible lives” for imagined security and competence – “we become risk adverse, says Bill Thomas, MD, international expert on aging. ” We won’t try anything that requires that we start over again as a “novice”.
Is there a trick to getting through these bumps and using post traumatic growth to rearrange our lives? Yes , says transitions coach, Susan Bridges:
- Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time after a shock. The first stage is actually acknowledging what has ended.
- Find a good listener – a friend who will just listen without trying to fix things for you. Use these friends as sounding boards. Then find a mentor, someone who has been through the walk of life and can add some inspiration through his/her own experiences. Use this person to help you stay focused on moving ahead.
- Be positive. Look at the upside of the event. You maybe lost your “identity” from your job but you are still breathing. Look at it in the grander master plan for your life. Look at it as opportunity gained rather than a loss.
- Recognize your inner strength and talents. You may see, having survived the trauma, that you are stronger than you ever imagined, giving you the courage to embark on something new.
I recommend a web site that can help you evaluate your life, whether you have just experienced a bump in the road or even if you are plodding along satisfied with the status quo. Go to LifeReimagined.org. See where it can take you. There is something there for everyone.
Think about it.