How to Care for the Caregiver – You
Remember the last time you had the flu or worse yet, your spouse had the flu? The first day or two care giving is relatively easy for the caregiver. Make soup, provide tissues, make appropriate soothing noises when the patient moans or grimaces. Keep the environment quiet, make more soup and maybe jello, smooth the sheets, wash the sheets. Its all ok because caregivers are strong sympathetic people………..
Have you noticed by Day 3 there is no more soup, the tissues are overflowing, there might be a little slamming and banging in the kitchen, and the soothing noises now sound more like “What do you need now?” Things are being said like “Well, you look like you are feeling better, AREN’T YOU?” (Secret – even nurses behave this way with family members after 3 days). It’s human nature. Caring relationships depend on two way give and take and when that balance is off, even for a few days ,the one doing the “caring” starts feeling a little snarky and put-upon. Come on – admit it.
I’m making this point because here I’m talking about something relatively short term and non-life threatening. Now take the care giving to a whole different level. A loved one has been diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness. YOU have the supporting role, primary care giver, and there is no end in sight.
How do you care for the caregiver – YOU? First and foremost you arrange for as much professional relief care giving as you can and stay in the role of spouse, son, daughter, mother, father, friend, if you possibly can. 1) Professional or agency caregivers are trained and know what needs to be done They have access to medical knowledge you don’t. They are also less emotionally invested. 2) Your loved one needs you to continue to be you, and 3) Time away is essential for your mental and physical health as well as the patient’s.
By lining up a professional, preferably through a Medicare certified agency, whether an aide or a nurse ,you can leave confident the person you love will be well cared for in your absence. This can be as little as an hour or two a 1 or 2 days a week or 24 hours a day. During your “time off” go out, walk, visit with friends, meditate, read, get a massage, whatever it takes to take care of you, mentally and physically, so that you can continue to maintain a healthy relationship with the person you are caring for.
Anger over the situation, feelings of frustration and helplessness, worry you won’t know what to do, that you’ll make a mistake, are all enormous emotions experienced by family care givers. If you keep the feelings bottled up, sooner or later they will come out in inappropriate ways, anger at the loved one, anger at yourself, anger at those around you. Learn to let go. Talk, journal, exercise, walk, meditate. Physically remove yourself from the scene when you feel the anger taking over.
Put a support system in place. Don’t avoid talking about what is going on. Include friends and family members. Avoiding the issue deprives us of the support system we need and doesn’t allow others who want and need to help, the opportunity to do so.
Back off. Let the patient/loved one do what they can for themselves – even when it seems like it would be easier to do it yourself. Remember the blog on “control”? Give this gift to them. Let them control what they can. Don’t smother.
Jon Spayde has written a great article called “The Cares of Caregiving” in this month’s Experience Living magazine. Some of his strategies for success are:
- Recognize Change is Coming and Plan Ahead. After the shock of the new diagnosis has worn of f is the time to start making realistic plans for the future, involving, care, money, relationship issues NOT during the initial shock.
- Get help
- Share your feelings.
- Surround yourself with positive people
- Be a good listener
- Restucture your day as needed to optimize including your loved one in daily tasks.
- Laugh
Remember your caregiving is only as good as you are. I watched my sister care for our mother for several months. While initially it was a good choice for both of them due to life circumstances at the time, as time went by it wore on both of them. BOTH of them were exhausted, short tempered and in tears. Initially we sought relief in an hour or two a day of paid caregivers. That helped, especially with the heavy lifting, however the time came when my sister could no longer do it – on several levels. Changes had to be made and probably should have been made sooner rather than later.
BE AWARE of your limitations AND what is in the best interest of the patient. They may need you more as a partner or a daughter or whatever the personal relationship, than they need you as a caregiver.
Think about it.