Control by any other name………..is still Control
If I haven’t said it before let me say it now. If I had to live with me I’d be living by myself. What I mean by this is I think I may be difficult (just a tiny bit) to live with and I’m not sure if I were someone else I could live with me. I have an overwhelming need to be in control……of EVERYTHING – well almost everything. I came to this realization (again) on this vacation. I am a very fortunate woman. Tom did not push me out of the car at a very high rate of speed.
Tom is a “let’s take this road and see where it goes” OR ” I think we can get there if we turn here” kind of traveler. I spent a good amount of time being frustrated and marginally ill-tempered because I’m not. I had my maps and my TRIP folder. I am a planner. When it comes to travel I want to know details – when where, how much time it takes to get from A to B, etc. I want to know what we are going to be doing and when. Tom is a wanderer. Things happen but usually an hour or two later than I had planned. My kids think its funny when his attention gets diverted by something new or more interesting but I feel like I spend all my time trying to find him or get him back on track. For some reason I felt this more acutely on this trip and realized home much of my conversation with him was critical or directing. And I heard myself and didn’t like what I heard. Why do I have this need to control? There are people who are “take charge and make things happen” and then there are the “Controllers”. I used to be the first one but I think I may have crossed the boundary into the latter. What is the difference? The difference lies in listening to others, respecting others and the art of compromise.
According to what I’ve been reading the Controller operates out of FEAR. If the Controller doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t control and schedule all things, something bad may happen that the controller can’t fix. Guess what? Controllers are trying to keep the world in orbit by a sheer force of will but even if he/she let go it will keep on turning. BECAUSE WE REALLY AREN’T IN CONTROL OF THE WORLD. The plan has already been written. All we need to do is show up and enjoy the ride. Let go.
My fear is that things won’t be perfect, plans will fall apart, people won’t have a good time. The fear that somehow it will be m fault keeps me in control mode. I am the KEEPER OF THE RULES. I’m not sure however, who put me in charge.
Shoulds and rigid opinions in our minds lead to resentment. The resentment of “why isn’t he listening to me? Why isn’t he doing what I am telling him to do?” takes away from all the good in the experience. Worry about what might happen if we don’t do it exactly this way can ruin it. We get angry and frustrated with the person who isn’t listening to our direction. Letting go of this need to be in control can reduce conflicts, reduce stress, decrease hassles and improve one’s mood and well-being.
I have to admit, in retrospect, we drove through some really pretty neighborhoods and saw parts of Seattle I hadn’t PLANNED on seeing. Its too bad I wasn’t able to enjoy them because I was too busy trying to be in control and get back to my maps and my plans. I needed to remember it was a vacation not Sherman’s March to the Sea. Nothing HAD to be done a certain way at a certain time.
Rather than not seeing what I wanted to look at or go where I wanted to go when Tom took off in another direction could have been easily solved. We needed to arrange a meeting place to get back together. We could both see what we wanted and not resent the other for being in control of the trip. Most of our travel around the cities of Seattle and Vancouver was done on foot so this would have been do-able. Those trips in the car when he turned left when my map said turn right – shouldn’t have been a big deal. He was driving. I was backseat driving!
Dr. Rick Hanson, author of Just One Thing says “Stop trying to grow roses in the parking lot. When faced with a fact you cannot change ask yourself if you can accept that this is the way it is whether you like it or not. If you can then let it go. If you can’t then you need to shift your efforts in another direction. I need to ask myself if I can be more spontaneous on our vacations and where I really need to draw my boundaries. I know Tom vacations very differently from my way of vacationing. Neither is right or wrong – just different. I know, because of my “being late for a flight” phobia I have to make sure my traveling companion understands my need for being at the airport and checking in early. That is non-negotiable but the rest needs to be a sort of compromise. Separate vacations is always an option but not one I could live with all the time, once in a while maybe. One advantage of being in a relationship is having someone to share experiences with. And honestly – its not just the vacation thing. It spills over into the rest of life as well. Often we think we know best about how everyone around us needs to live – obviously our way is best. We view the actions of others through our own filters (past experiences, background,/culture, sibling order, upbringing) and find them lacking. There are as many views of reality as there are people as no two people have the same filters. When we try to control we are saying only our filters and our view of life are valid. Or in some way better. Our fear gets in the way of trying on any one else’s reality.
Controllers need to be in charge of it ALL. We tell ourselves we know best : the best way to do things, the best way to plan, the best way to act, the best way to……on and on and on. If we can be in control the world will run smoothly. In reality life is messy and being “in control” of everything is not the answer. I read a metaphor I want to share It seems appropriate for myself and any of you who are “controllers”. A willow tree that is supple can withstand any storm. It can bend in the strongest wind and survive. The oak, strong, sturdy and unbending will break and be destroyed in the same wind.
I need to take lessons from the willow.
Where do you need to let go? What do you NOT need to control? Where can you bend? I’m going to challenge you to take the next 7 days to be aware of how much you are “fighting” to be in control of and how much of that you can let go. When you feel the urge to “order the world” around you step back. See if someone else might do just as good a job by doing it their way. You might eventually find it relaxing to not always be in charge.
Think about it.