To Err is Human ….To Apologize is…Difficult
When my sone was about 3 years old he slammed the door on the cat’s tail. Thinking this was a good time to teach my son the niceties of apologizing when he hurts someone/something, as he would most likely do in the life ahead of him, I suggested he tell Hockey Socks (aka the cat) he was sorry. He refused. I don’t know why. I just know my sweet little boy crossed his arms and said “NO!”. He was sent to his room to think about it. Several minutes later he came out of his room with his little red suitcase and informed me he was going to run away….to the neighbor’s house across the street. Long story short he came back home after about 1/2 hour, said “SORRY !” to the cat and went in his room to unpack his bag. Not exactly what I was looking for but it was a start.
He’s now almost 40 (for which I will most likely have to apologize for sharing) and has since learned the art of apology with practice and remorse, even apologizing to his mom on occasion.
It’s hard. We all make mistakes. We say and do things without thinking or in anger or frustration, we unintentionally step on someone’s toes when we don’t understand a situation. We cause hurt, mistrust, broken relationships. A bigger mistake is not apologizing for our gaff. Most blunders are not intentional so why do we have such a hard time owning up to our mistake. What is it that makes saying “I’m sorry” so difficult?
Usually it’s getting our self-image all tied up in the incident at hand. It’s embarrassing. It’s hard to admit we did something wrong, especially something that caused someone else pain. We feel badly. It’s hard to go face to face with someone who may be angry. So we wait. That makes it even more difficult. We possibly start to blow the incident out of proportion in our own minds, making it even more difficult to make amends.
What are some things we may be sorry for?
1. Misunderstanding
2. Wrong assumptions
3. Deliberate hurt as a “pay back”
4. Selfishness
5. Broken promises
6. Acting on hearsay
7. Letting someone down
Why should we make amends, offer apologies?
1. Saves relationships
2. Saves your energy – worry is a drain.
3. Preserves self-esteem
4. Builds trust
5. Removes awkwardness
Some things to remember:
First – Figure it out. What did you do?
Then – Own it. Take the responsibility to make it right.
Next – Sooner is better than later.
AND – It’s never too late
Is there a right way and a a wrong way to make amends?
Yes and no
Worse than no apology is the apology without an apology. It usually sounds like this:
” I / We deeply regret ……followed by something non-specific like “if something I/we said or did hurt you.” You are not really apologizing! You are essentially blaming the person for feeling hurt. If you are apologizing know what you are apologizing for. If you truly can’t figure it out and you know that something wrong has transpired and there are hurt feelings ASK ! Then be specific in your apology.
The “I’m sorry, but…..” is NOT an apology. It is usually trying to deflect the responsibility of the hurt/mistake onto someone else or on the the person who has been hurt. “I’m sorry but if Sheila wouldn’t have encouraged us all to drink so much, some of those things probably wouldn’t have been said” Or “I’m sorry but….sometimes you make me so mad.” NOT an apology. Its an excuse. Leave the buts out of it and take responsibility.
I had a very, very good friend several years ago who hurt me deeply to the point of ending the friendship. I still missed her terribly and thought of her often. An “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way to fixing it, however. About a year ago she contacted me. However, instead of saying “I am sorry” she said “Enough time has gone by that all of that should all be water over the dam by now. You need to let it go.”
Do you think that friendship has been repaired?
” I’m sorry you were hurt ” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” is not the same as saying ” I’m sorry I hurt you”. Intent does not absolve us from responsibility of fixing things as much as possible.
You can only apologize for yourself. Use the words “I” and “me” when apologizing. Not “we”, “us”, or “they”.
Apologize in person and with sincerity. NEVER apologize in an e-mail or text (unless it’s a “i’m sorry I’m running late for dinner” to let your host know you will be late !). Apology by phone is only acceptable if you are a long distance from the person you wronged. Even then a letter is better. I found a wonder example of an “apology letter” on the following website if you don’t know what to say or how to begin. Go to :www.professional counseling.com. In the search box type in “apology letter”.
Own the mistake and admit you were wrong
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It is more difficult the longer you want however a short cooling off period may be needed for the wronged person to actually hear you say you are sorry. Don’t put it off for your own comfort. Don’t dwell on the circumstances that “caused” the misunderstanding/mistake. What needs to be said is “I’m sorry I hurt/upset you.” Make it sincere and heartfelt.
Ask what you can do to resolve things if it appears your apology may not be working. Decide why or if more can be done.
Making amends does not mean you can or will continue a relationship. It means you have done what you could do to acknowledge your wrong actions or words. This, even if there is no repair to the relationship, will let YOU heal.
Think about it.