You Have to Find One First
I may have gotten ahead of myself yesterday talking about how to be a good friend. Today I’m backing up a bit for those of you who maybe feel “friendless” or in need of some new friendly relationships. Here is my best shot at giving advice that took me a while to learn.
6 Tips on How to Find a Friend
1. Don’t presume that everyone else already has friends. There are a lot of people out there feeling just as friendless as you. Maybe they are new in town, maybe they have changed jobs or occupations, maybe the old friendships just weren’t working anymore. Times change. Interests change, People change. Some friendships are temporary based on a common need at a certain time in your life but one or the other of you has moved on. Its ok. Just keep in mind other people are looking for new friends too. You aren’t alone.
2. Put yourself out there – first BE someone who looks approachable and second go new places – widen the net so to speak. Make eye contact with people, smile, say Hi, start a conversation.
3. New friends don’t always appear where you are expecting to find them. The person you befriend may be younger or older than you, taller, thinner, shorter, heavier. Don’t limit yourself to someone who is a copy of yourself. Different can be very good. It adds a new dimension to a friendship.
4. Make the first move. If you meet or see someone you think would be interesting start a conversation. I met a woman in the book store. While helping her find a book I started a conversation about the topic of the book she was seeking. That short conversation segued into a 45 min. conversation about other things and ended in an invitation for me to attend a talk she was giving on a topic I was very interested in. While this “friendship” is in it’s infancy it’s headed in the right direction and will need time and nourishing to grow.
5. Carve out time and make it a priority to contact someone you know slightly but would like to know better. Call them. Suggest getting together for coffee. Also re-look some of the friendships that may have fallen away due to neglect. A friend and I were discussing that today. She was reminded by my blog yesterday of two friends she used to see regularly. She realized how long it had been since she and they had been in contact. It wasn’t that anyone was mad or disinterested. It was simply neither took the time to keep it going.
I, on the other hand lost a good friend for several years over an event that I considered trivial but she didn’t. Instead of going to her and talking it out right at the time it happened I let it go. Too busy, too tired, raising kids, climbing corporate ladder – all kinds of excuses but none of them really good enough. We ran into each other a few years ago and after a couple of awkward moments we were catching up on each others lives and have stayed in touch ever since. If there is someone you need to make amends with swallow your pride and do it. Good friends are a precious commodity.
6. Be a joiner or a do-er. Join a gym. Find a book club in your neighborhood. The library is a good place to look for a book club. Often they meet in libraries. OR just go to the library and start a conversation with someone who is looking at the same books you like to read. The old” Shhhhhhh ! This is a library” doesn’t apply anymore. Volunteer – its a great way to meet new people. I got an e-mail this week from the Board of Elections looking for someone to help man the voting polls in May. I signed up. Never have done anything remotely close to it but I figured how hard could it be AND it is a great way to meet a lot of people. Art museums, concerts. The list of places to go to meet new people is only as short as your imagination.
I actually saw a woman in a cafe a couple of weeks ago approach a table where three women were sitting, laughing and talking. She said to them ” You look like you are having fun. I’m new here and I’d love to join you.” The women looked a little startled at first but then laughed, pulled out the extra chair and asked her to join them. I’m not sure I’d have that much nerve but if you do – Go for it !
If any of you have some other ideas on where or how to make new friends please send me an e-mail or a comment that I can share with our other readers.
Think about it !