Grief by any other name is still grief
My son is a young man – not yet middle aged. At age 20 he came to my bedroom early one morning and said ” I can’t do this, Mom. I am 20 and have already lost 3 of my best friends. I just lost another to a drunk driver last night. Make it stop.” One had cancer and two were accidents. His pain was palpable. His pain became my pain. As a mother I can only imagine the anguish of the mothers’ of those children. I will never un-hear the keening of the grieving mother at the cemetery for one of the funerals. Shortly after that morning my son moved from Ohio to Texas and has been moving ever since, returning to Granville just a year ago. This week it happened again, the loss of another friend, the second in 6 months. It isn’t any easier now than it was 17 years ago.
It’s not new and its not his experience alone. Most of us experience the loss of a grandparent, older relative or family friend as we are growing up or in our early adult years. Some of us have lost friends to war, to suicide, to accidents or illnesses. Death becomes a part of life. Unfortunately it’s one of the hardest parts. Life isn’t easy, harder to figure out for some than others. I lost friends to suicide and drug overdoses. I grew to adulthood during the Viet Nam war. I was an Air Force wife. There were too many young men who didn’t come home. As a nurse I comforted too many parents in the ER, families in hospital rooms, at bedsides. But it never gets easier. Life is sacred to us.
While we grieve for the lost life of our friend or loved one we also grieve for our own loss and the for the pain of those left behind. How do we heal? What do we say? How do we prepare for the next time?
I wish I had the answers. What I will share with you is that there is no way around it, only through it. You cannot put it on hold and you must experience the pain to heal.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ ground breaking book from the late 1960’s is still the handbook for getting through death and dying – not only for the person facing death but for those who will be walking with them but left to live after. Her 5 stages of grief are very real. The only thing that has changed since the book was written is that it has been found the stages are not necessarily linear. She lists the stages as :Denial, anger, bargaining. depression and acceptance.
A more recent web-site has added or additionally defined those stages into seven stages: Shock and Denial; Pain and Hurt; Anger and Bargaining;Depression,Reflection, Loneliness;Upward Turn; Reconstruction and Working Through; Acceptance and Hope. Pretty much the same process just a little more defined. You can learn more about these stages at at site called recover-from-grief.com. They also define the difference between grief and bereavement. Grief is defined as feelings following any loss, loss of a relationship, loss of a job, loss of income while bereavement is a specific type of grief related to someone dying.
Sidney Zusook, U.C. Dan Diego addressed the 4 components of grief.
1. Separation Distress – the mix of feelings like sadness, anxiety, pain, helplessness and anger.
2. Traumatic Distress – disbelief, shock, intrusion into our conscious, effort to avoid this intrusion.
3. Guilt, remorse, regret.
4. Social withdrawal.
Recognize these and allow yourself to experience them as you work through your grief or help another work through theirs.
There is a natural and instinctive path grief takes that should lead to a healthy outcome as one works through his or her own grief. Over time feelings start becoming mixed to include some positive thoughts of remembering, feel a sense of relief if the person who has died was suffering mental or physical pain, that they are no longer in pain. They start to accept and forgive. They come to an understanding and start to make meaning about the loss and circumstances.
Those who suffer extremely long periods of grief may be experiencing some blocking to the pathway of resolution. They become emotionally paralyzed. Instead of having positive thoughts and feelings they experience a fear of painful memories, emotions and losing control. They think things “will never be the same.” They feel excessively guilty and angry. This blockage of the grief process can lead to substance abuse and severe depression. This requires the help of a good counselor or grief support group. Both are available through Hospice programs.
So what helps?
Time. With grief, time is needed to transition and adjust to life after the loss.
What can you do?
- Stay physically healthy by maintaining a good diet, sleep schedule and exercise.
- Make meaning of the event – if we can put it into context and make sense of it in some small way we will feel better.
- Honor the loss – find a way to carry on a legacy of that person through art, music, gardens, community involvement.
- Stay functional – Mark the difference between life and death. Have a separate time to function/concentrate on each.
- Don’t judge feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Allow them to be valid.
How do you help others who are grieving?
- Find out what that person wants or needs. Do not assume that what you would want or need is what they need. Ask !
- Do something – offer to help with errands or chores, childcare, food. Give a gift card.
- LISTEN
- Ask and mean it – “how are you?” Again, LISTEN !
- Express sympathy but DON’T say “It’s for the best” or “Be strong”.
- Check in on them rather than waiting for them to call and say they need something.
- Make specific plans with them.
- Give hugs.
Be patient with yourself. Be patient with others sharing your grief. Give it time. And know it is a part of Life.
Think about it.