Partners?Lovers? Roommates?
I am far from the marriage expert here. With two failed marriages behind me (and I am the one common factor in both of them!) I wouldn’t begin to say I’m credentialed. However I do know something about important relationships factors. I’ve learned along the way. As we’ve heard many times “Hindsight is 20/20” What I do know is this – Tom and I have been in a relationship (we like to call it “life partnership” as boyfriend and girlfriend sound a little icky when you are over 50) for three years. For the most part it has gone well. We have fun together and life is generally good. I want to keep it that way. I read a lot, covering many topics – fiction, fiction about relationships, non- fiction, non-fiction about relationships, magazines, magazine articles about relationships. You get my point. I want to make sure I’m doing it right this time.
Last week I came across an article reviewing a new book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage . I’m skeptical that it would only take 10 lessons to transform a marriage that was really in trouble but in reading excerpts from the book I think there is some valuable material in it
I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe things happen for a reason. When a second article- this one titled “Happy at Home, Productive at Work”- came to my attention the next day, also about keeping relationships satisfying I started to think it was time to share some of this information AND think about it as it related to me personally.
As you have probably gathered from some of my earlier blogs I am very protective of my “me” time and space. I usually play well with others but I really need time each day by myself to do as I please and for quiet, alone time. If I don’t get it I get cranky. Thinking seriously about it I’m sure that was a factor in both marriages being unsuccessful. There has to be a balance. This is a point made in both the book and the article. You have to spend time having fun together. The Happy at Home article said couples who regularly strive for greater romantic love rather than companionship enjoy more satisfying relationships with their partners. According to experts there are plenty of ways to keep the passion alive through the years, not just Valentine’s Day. Now don’t stop reading here. Everyone – yes, even you, putting 2 kids through college, working 10 hour days, married 25 years, need love and affection, not just companionship.
So many of the activities I enjoy are solitary. Reading, playing the piano, writing stories, writing this blog, journaling, are all a big part of my day. I realized one night last week after reading the articles on transforming relationships I needed to take note. When my life partner comes home I need to be ready to give him the attention he needs and allow him to give me the attention he has for me. My solitary activities need to take place in the 10-12 hours each day he is away. If I need more time than that maybe I need to rethink being in a relationship or on the rare occasion I have a deadline to meet I need to tell him before hand about needing some extra time to work.
I need to take lessons. Tom takes the time to let me know I am a priority in his life. Last night he brought me two lilies from the store next to where I work, while I was at work, with a really sweet card he had written. No reason other than he was in the neighborhood and was thinking of me. This was not a random act. He does things like that all the time. I need to take lessons.
The book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage is really the story of a man who woke up one day to realize his marriage had changed – not a bad crisis but certainly not where it should be. There had been a couple of rough years – a new baby, a death in the family, wife with new job as a CEO, he with a new restaurant. The trickle down effect went like this: Increased demands/busy-ness, stress, no time for exercise, poor diet, more stress, weight gain, poor sleep, snoring due to weight gain, surgery. Now he and his wife were sleeping apart due to his snoring and her need to be up early for the new job.
They were still great teammates but they had no identify as lovers. They sacrificed all the fun time together to cope with life’s logistics which weakened the initial connection and made the hard times worse. He was smart enough to know that the problem was not irreparable. I saw a post on a friends Facebook sight that said ” A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house. you fix the lightbulb.” The author of the book knew it was time to change the lightbulb. Something had to change to get the passion back into their lives – to get away from just being roommates. The book provides the details of how he learned the number one thing was to make time for fun as a couple, even if it was in short doses. Given time the fun allows the romantic connection to come back that is necessary for a healthy relationship.
William Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs says it is essential to find ways to have fun together as pressures mount, in order to sustain a healthy relationship. You have to make room to relax together.
I can already hear some readers saying “well, after a few years that romantic lover stuff wears off. Its not sustainable. Besides, I’m too old, too tired, and have enough on my plate already.” I’m not talking here about the gaga, head over heels, butterflies in your stomach every time he comes near physical reaction of first love. I’m talking about a deep connection – the kind where you remember why you fell in love with the other person in the first place, the partnering that has you living dreams together spending time enjoying being together.
There actually is a fun-love connections. Studies show that activities associated with “falling in love”, those things you did together, shared an interest in, at the start of a new relationship, actually release a hormone, oxytocin, that relaxed blood vessels and decreased blood pressure. Neurotransmitters in the brain, bathed in this hormone increase feelings of connection and trust. Laughter produces a similar reaction in the body. How does this all relate to getting from where you might be now as “companions” back to something richer? Hugs or a romantic gesture boosts a feeling of connectedness, decreases the stress we feel and increases our sense of bonding.
It takes five positive interactions to counter one negative one according to marriage expert John Goltina. Pile on the good stuff, even if its just saying “thank you” or “I l love you”. Give hugs and kisses. Kiss your partner when they walk in the door. Hold hands. Working hard and being tired is not an excuse. One relationship expert put it like this : “If you don’t have five minutes for your partner, your husband or wife, then who are you giving all your love in life to?” Aim for 5 compliments each day. Something as little as this can change the course of a relationship. Actively make time to play. Even when time is limited – find something you both enjoy. Allow yourself to stop being Keeper of the Rules and create a safe space for your partner to come out and play, says Wayne Sotile, PhD, in his book Letting Go of What’s Holding You Back.
Maybe you aren’t that far off course. However, even a little off course can change where you end up. Jan Horstad writes in her book Big Picture- Partnering and Living Dreams Together , its like flying a plane from New York to LA. If you adjust your heading just a few degrees over Ohio it will determine where you end up – LA or San Francisco. Where do you want to end up?. What is your destination?
The bottom line is your partner needs to know that he or she comes first, is a priority in your life and is not just an item on your to-do list. Make your to-do list together and make sure the top item is “go out and play”.
Think about it.