Angrrrrrrrrr
I think I’ve spent a lot of time in the last week being angry. Not Mt. St. Helen’s volcanic eruption angry – more the solar flare kind of angry. The kind where you feel like the universe is conspiring against you and a million gnats are buzzing around your face and you find yourself talking through gritted teeth to the person who can’t understand why you are upset that your new internet service is slower than your old one, or to the doctor’s office receptionist who tells you there is an appointment available three weeks from tomorrow when the doctor has just called to tell you he needs to take more tissue from the skin growth site because of abnormal cells. Yes, lets wait three more weeks. Yes, I’m really happy with my internet service, thanks for returning my call 4 days after I called and left a message. Anger – not my best suit. I’m not a yell and scream obscenities kind of angry person. I get ugly sarcastic and coldly quiet. Actually, if I were mad at me I’d be a little frightened I think. So in an effort to address this spate of unpleasantness I’m going to subject you to my blog about anger. It’s an emotion we all experience from time to time if we are human. The issue is how we acknowledge it, address it and deal with it as HUMANELY as possible.
Anger is an age old emotion, innate in humans for protection, to prepare our body to fight when it felt threatened by a saber tooth tiger or a cave man with a bigger club than ours. Fine in prehistoric time but not as necessary today. Yet its still there and can ignite us like a Roman candle. Anger activates the fight or flight response in the sympathetic nervous system – our heart rate speeds up, our digestion slows down, glucose floods the blood stream and the muscles tense, ready to run or spring on someone. Unfortunately when this happens over and over again we are reinforcing the brain pathways that train us to stay angry over time. Even those people who don’t explode but simmer inside are headed for a host of problems from this internalized emotion. In fact for those people who say they never get angry – they may be in for an even bigger problem because while they DO get angry they don’t acknowledge it and learn how to express it, instead turning it inside on themselves. Anger can cause problems at work, in relationships and effect our quality of life if left unchecked
Usually anger is an attempt to make us feel in control of a situation or less weak. Often it’s our defense against feelings of anxiety, disappointment, powerlessness, and guilt.
The first step to building a healthy approach to anger is to NOTICE it and accept it. It’s normal to feel angry when we feel we have been dealt an injustice. The key is recognizing it and keep it in balance to what is really going on. One reaction we can control is our breathing, which normally speeds up when we get angry. Take deliberate slow breaths. This will call off the alarm sirens going off in your body when the flight or fight response is activated by anger. Change your tone from demanding to “I” statements of what you need to resolve the situation. “I would like…” Slow down and THINK through your response. LISTEN to the other person and make sure you really understand what they are trying to communicate.
Interrupt your self. Leave the room. Not all situations have an immediate solution. Take a deep breath and start over again in a calmer tone if you are on the phone. Tell the person you are angry with that you need a break. If they don’t respect that walk away anyway. Once away relax and reassess the situation. Here are some questions to ask.
- Did the person really mean what I thought I heard them say or did they not understand what I was asking?
- Am I making an assumption?
- Am I exaggerating it’s significance?
- Can I see this from the other person’s point of view?
- Are my own insecurities and self doubts making me upset?
- Am I taking this too literally?
- Have I seen this person be mean and nasty to other people? If so it’s their problem not mine and by getting angry back I’m behaving just as badly.
Focus on how you will handle and face the problem after you are calmer. Make a plan and give it your best shot. Avoid “all or nothing” thinking.
Think about your reaction and try to see the situation in a different light or realistically, how important it really is in the grand scheme of things. All the annoyances that made me angry last week were just that – annoyances. – Unreturned messages and phone calls, seemingly ignorant answers to what I thought were reasonable questions, stupid questions, other impatient people, rude drivers…….The list goes on. When you are in that irritable frame of mind even someone saying Good Morning in the wrong tone of voice can set you off .The most innocent action can cause an angry reaction. Think about it and put it in perspective. Back off from taking yourself too seriously.
I got a bill last week from my old cable/internet/phone company. I discontinued services two months ago and returned their equipment. The bill was for the $134 worth of equipment I had returned. Now, why would I want to keep something I had no use for to begin with. And now I was going to have to try to squeeze one more thing into a day that was already fuller than I was comfortable with. When I called the company I got a gentleman who could not speak English, or at least not English I could under stand without him slowing it down from 78RPM to 33 1/3 RPM (for those of you younger than 50 that refers to record player speed. If you played your 45RPM singles at 78 it sounded like Mickey Mouse on helium or at 33 like Mickey mouse with a mouth full of molasses. You had to be there to appreciate it I guess………) Anyway, back to the person on the phone trying to help me. How could he help if we couldn’t understand one another so I was already annoyed. My temperature rose and he got more confused as I got angrier. I had to make myself stop and remember none of this was his fault. He was just the unlucky person who answered the phone. When I calmed down and became more reasonable he was able to TRY to fix the problem. Did it work? I won’t know for sure until I get another bill from them but at least there was no blood shed and he did the best he could.
Remember, once anger is out of it’s cage its hard to put it back. Become aware of when your temperature is rising and take steps to diffuse it.
Laugh. There really is humor in every situation. Laughter, especially at ourselves, can quickly diffuse an angry situation. Many times I’ve had to say out loud – “OK, let’s start over here and let me see if I can be a little less Neanderthal in my attitude and behavior.”
Don’t stop there. Once the situation is past ask yourself three questions; 1) what were you angry about? 2) Why did it make you angry? 3) What can you do about it. Then you can use that anger to your benefit – plan an action to address the real issue.
Last step is forgiving – yourself and the other person. You and they are only human.
Two good readings for more insight? Feeling Good by Daniel Burns and Love your Enemies by Sharon Salzberg.
My plan for this week: Take time out for me. Let go of the things I can’t control or change, at least for now. Enjoy the small things that make me smile and stay away from toxic people and situations as best I can.
Think about it.