Hearts and Flowers or maybe not
OK – Its officially over so lets talk about it. You know – the day of hearts and flowers, chocolates and roses, candle light dinners for two. For some of you maybe and my wish is that you enjoyed and appreciated every minute of it. This column is not for you. Maybe someday but not now. No, this blog is for those of you for whom the day fell short. Maybe not really short but it was a non-event and now you are wondering what you might have missed – not that you wanted to make a big deal about it but….just suppose.
Maybe you were two hours late meeting your husband or someone special for dinner because of an unexpected snow storm. Guess what – two hours late and the reservations are gone and its either Wendy’s or pizza. The baby sitter called to cancel because she has the flu. Find another sitter on Valentine’s Day?….and all that’s in the fridge is last night’s spagetti. You are in the middle of the end of a relationship and you are on opposite sides of the country wondering how this happened. Or maybe you have found yourself with a partner to whom it isn’t important. You are, but the day is not…..”.just another day the card and florist industry have cooked up to make money”” according to your loved one. I’m willing to bet there are as many people out there (maybe more) who were at least a little disappointed today. I know at least two of the people nearest and dearest to my heart were. I’m not a pessimist but there are just soooo many ways for this whole Valentine Day thing to go wrong – at least as we traditionally think of it. I have had good ones, bad ones and indifferent ones (which really, if I were being honest, count as bad ones).
I have two people who have been very close to me whose mantra is ” if your expectations aren’t being met – lower your expectations.” It might seem that this is where this blog is leading but NO! NO! NO ! its not . It really lights my fuse when I hear that. My expectations are my expectations. Now, maybe I need to communicate those expectations a little more clearly or loudly if they weren’t understood. ( My ex-husband used to say if I wanted him to empty the trash NOW when I asked if he would take out the trash I needed to say NOW otherwise he would do it later and in the meantime I’d fuss and stew to myself because he didn’t come do it NOW. He was correct when he said he wasn’t a mind reader. – To give him his due however – her really knew how to do Valentine’s Day.)
If communication isn’t the issue maybe your expectations weren’t realistic. That, however does not mean you have to LOWER your expectations . It means you need to examine them and find out why they weren’t realistic and CHANGE them. Big difference between LOWER and CHANGE. By lowering you are going to continue to be disappointed and unsatisfied. By CHANGING what you expect and taking responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of leaving it up to someone else or to chance you can’t be disappointed. Do you see the difference?
Let me give you and example. Let’s say, trite as it may seem, you wanted your significant other to bring you home a dozen roses and a box of chocolates today. He never has in the past but today may be different. What do those roses symbolize? That he loves you and will spend $75 today on roses to show you that. Or do you love roses and seeing them in the house. He comes in the house with a card and a six pack of your favorite beer – just as he has done the past 10 years. My advice – Change your expectations. You want roses on Valentines Day call the florist and ask them to send them to HIS office. You will get your roses AND the card AND the six pack. (He is NOT going to leave the roses at the office !) Remember this – he stopped and bought the card and maybe that was a big deal to him. At least it wasn’t a sympathy card so he must haven taken time to read it or at least look at the picture. The beer was YOUR favorite micro-brew and HE CAME HOME TO YOU.
I write this because I know. Its a mindset you have to work on. No one is responsible for your happiness other than YOU. I am a romantic. I love flowers and cards and surprises and to me, because of my past, I associate those THINGS with special days and love. I also knew if I let myself I could be disappointed today because Tom is one of those who will say “Valentine’s Day is one of those commercial, blah, blah, blah.” but the reality is he didn’t even think about what today was because he’s very easily distracted, kind of the absent minded professor type. I, on the other hand, bought three cards and a special book over a month ago for him. Where I have had to CHANGE my expectation – not lower it – is that I know he most likely won’t be bringing me a dozen roses today and instead remember that he brings me flowers several times a month whenever he sees a bouquet he likes, that he thinks I’ll like, or a random pot of tulips out of season. I can put the last bunch, a little droopy but still nice, on the table or I can go buy some for myself. So when he came in tonight and said shamefacedly -” I meant to stop and get you a card but I just wanted to get home “- and handed me one perfect red rose and a crab cake shaped like a heart I knew he’d been to the grocery, he did think of me and best of all he wanted to be home. Is that lowering your expectations? – or CHANGING them and being thankful for all that you have. Think about it.
Changing our expectations, not lowering them, to create a happier self, is not just a Valentine’s Day exercise. Its something we all need to incorporate into our lives. Disappointments happen but rather than dwelling on them find a way to examine them and see if YOU can be active in changing outcomes.
Send me a message. How was your Valentine’s Day? Do you have expectations that need changing? I want to hear from you.